Poisonous Touch
by ChoCedric
Summary: AU. Everything I touch, I destroy, Remus muses as he sits in a pew at Nymphadora Tonks's funeral. As he gazes at Teddy, who is being held in Andromeda's arms, he doesn't know if he can take care of him, because he'll only destroy him, too.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Poisonous Touch

By: ChoCedric

As Remus Lupin sat in a pew, staring at the coffin which held his young, beloved wife, he felt disgust and self-loathing sweep over him in huge, tidal waves. As he listened to the Minister speak about what a beautiful, vibrant young woman she had been, and how brave she was, tears streamed down his face without him being able to control them. How on earth had he let this happen? How could he have allowed himself to love her, to care for her so deeply when everything he touched, he destroyed?

On the row in front of him sat Andromeda, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief, holding his and Dora's infant son, Teddy, in her arms. Remus could hardly bring himself to look at the boy at the moment, and he knew this was extremely cowardly of him. But if he touched him, if he ... God, if he held him, he'd destroy him too. And the last thing he wanted was to tarnish and taint such a helpless, innocent creature.

As the Minister droned on and on, he lost himself in memories of his and his wife's courtship and marriage. Merlin, being with her had been such a mistake! Not because he didn't love her, because Merlin, he loved her so much his heart tore itself out every time he had seen her, but he shouldn't have let his taint brush its fingers across her skin, he shouldn't have let it go so far inside her that it had produced their baby. After all, he was nothing but a monster. He didn't deserve love, affection, and friendship.

It had all started with his fellow Marauders. For years, he'd let himself think that it was okay to have friends, it was okay to bask in the glory of having someone to love him unconditionally and understand his worries and fears. The Marauders had taught him to embrace life; Sirius with his boisterous ways had taught him how to make mischief, James with his compassion had taught him how to love himself, and yes, even Peter had taught him that having friends could make a difference.

But then, they had all left him. And at Lily and James's funeral, he'd once again started thinking that he should have known this would happen. How could he, a monster, maintain any friendships? If there was a higher power up there, He must have known that Remus didn't deserve it, so He took all his friends away from him.

And then, he'd met Dora, stubborn, headstrong, infuriating Dora who once again made his heart do things it had no right to do. It had made him love. And he couldn't do that, especially to such a young, vibrant, beautiful, energetic person like her. She had her whole life ahead of her; why would she want to be burdened by someone like him, who was always down, always brooding about something, waiting for the next full moon to come with dread consuming his entire being? But Tonks had convinced him, and he'd once again thought that maybe, just maybe, his life was worth living after all.

But then, she'd told him she was pregnant, and he'd ran. He did not want his son or daughter to be saddled with the knowledge that their father was a werewolf. He could just see it now; them arriving at Hogwarts, endlessly being made fun of and having people not want to associate with them because their father was a monster. Just this thought alone made him feel sick with disgust and revulsion at himself.

But he'd been lectured, no, shouted at, by Harry, his best friend's son. And Harry had made him believe that going back to Tonks and their baby was the right thing to do. After all, his father had walked out on him because of the guilt of getting into the argument with Greyback, and hadn't remus always wished for him to have stayed? Yes, he had. So he'd gone back to Tonks, allowing himself once again to bask in the joy of being loved.

But it had all crashed down. The night of the Battle of Hogwarts, he'd told Tonks to stay home with Teddy. She'd put up a fuss, but finally agreed. But minutes into the battle, he'd heard her screaming his name, and he had never been so scared in his entire life. "Go home, Dora!" he'd screamed, horror consuming him. "Go home!"

But she hadn't. Instead she'd dueled Bellatrix Lestrange. And Bellatrix had killed her in a flash of green light without a second thought. Remus remembered his heart literally being separated from his body as he'd watched his love crumple to the ground, her beautiful eyes open, a look of fear forever plastered onto her heart-shaped face.

And now, here he was, sitting at her funeral, weeping for her loss even though he knew he deserved it. Monsters didn't get married. Monsters weren't loved. Monsters were feared, belittled, and scorned. It was no wonder that every time Andromeda gazed at him, she had that look, that look of anger and blame. He knew she blamed him for getting her daughter killed. After all, she'd only come to the battle to fight by his side. He had killed her as much as Bellatrix had.

Soon, the service was over, and the people gathered went outside for the burial. As the coffin was slowly lowered into the ground, it took Remus's spirit with it. In its place now was nothing but emptiness. He saw Teddy, who was still being held in the arms of Andromeda, his hair a violent red color, and as he looked at him, the last thought that consumed him before he collapsed to his knees was this: I don't know if I can do this anymore, son. I don't think I can take care of you, because if I do, I'll only destroy you, too. And you don't deserve that.


End file.
